It’s been four months since I’ve had my awesome little guy.
It’s so weird, strange, crazy, and intense that I have a tiny human being to
take care of and that depends on me. Sometimes it’s difficult to wrap my head
around that Steve and I made him. Like really made him.
However, I have never in my life felt so out of place in my
body. I’m back down to pre-pregnancy weight (+/- a pound or two), but my body
is NOT what it used to be. While I can fit into most of my clothes, it’s not
pretty…or even ok. I know that I’m teetering back and forth between being
depressed about who I am now. It’s so hard to feel depressed when I have such a
fantastic little guy to look after. I know that I can’t be the person that I was before a baby and that things will
change, but I’m having a difficult time with it. I cry when I wear sweats every
day, because it’s the only thing that I’m comfortable in. For the people that
truly know me, they know that I DO NOT wear sweats on a regular basis. That is
NOT who I am. I’m not saying I’m always Gucci’d out, but I usually look
presentable and put together. I go between extreme caring about my looks to not
giving two craps; neither of which emotions are particularly healthy.
I gave away a ton of
my clothes (even though Steve told me not to), but I know that I will never fit
them again. At least not anytime soon and by the time I’m able to fit into
those things, I’ll be over them. If that makes any sense – probably only to me.
Part of the problem
is that I have this image in my head of how I want to look and feel, but it’s
seemingly unattainable. I CAN NOT be the sweat pants mom. I REFUSE. My sister
told me the obvious when she visited, “Just because you have a baby, doesn’t
mean that you have to let yourself go.” Believe me, I know that. I tell myself
that regularly. I just seems that I’m too far past gone.
With fall coming up,
I’ve been looking at all of the new, pretty fall stuff. I have extreme guilt
about wanting to spend money on myself. Between me not contributing anything
financially to our household and wanting to get Chase everything under the sun,
it’s just…I don’t know. I just can’t bring myself to shop for myself.
And I literally just
right now got an email saying that Steve got me a massage for my birthday (gift
card was emailed). Instead of being stoked, I’m seriously about to throw up
thinking about how to leave Chase for several hours to get a massage. Not because I don’t want to leave him
(I don’t, but I’m sure I would benefit and he would be just fine without me for
a bit), but because I’m his source of food and comfort. He doesn’t take a
bottle – not for lack of trying – so Steve would be stuck with a screaming baby
until I was able to feed him. I have a headache even thinking about what to do.
I just overall feel
really dumb about being depressed and crying and junky. I want to be a pretty,
hip, cool mama. Not a dumpy, frumpy, frazzled looking one. I would love a
massage. I would love a manicure (I never even got those before Chase, it just
seems like I need one now), I would love to buy a few new outfits that fit
properly, I would absolutely love to go get a hair cut/color…but I just can’t.
I can’t spend the money. I can’t leave Chase for that long. I can’t. As much as
I want alone time or time to just sit in a Starbucks with a magazine and coffee
or even on the porch with a glass of wine and magazine, I can’t.
And now I’m about to
have a melt down. Awesome. I thought writing about it would help. Nope. Kinda
made me feel worse. And more dumb. Playing Feist probably isn’t helping either.
*If this is extremely typo'd, I apologize. I only read over it once.
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