The beginning

Love Letters to my Boys

A year of letters written to my husband and son 

It's that time of year again to make those resolutions that most people fail miserably at. This year, my failures will include not writing my daily notes to you boys, not being a nicer person, not cleaning up my life, and not reading/writing more in general. I figure if I take the opposite approach and say that I won't do it, perhaps I'll stick to it? Likelihood of that seems bleak, but one can only dream. 

My goal is to write a little something daily to one or both of you. It probably won't be an incredible amount and I'll probably miss days here and there, but I promise I won't (will!) make the effort. 

So, without further adieu, let's get this party started. On the 1st. Because it's only the 29th. Sorry, you'll have to wait a few more days.  

*It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything on this blog, but I feel like this is the best medium to use for writing my daily entries. I hope you enjoy what will probably be an extremely personal year long journey of letters written to my favorite boys. 

Oh my! I'm back!!!

And it wasn't a giant gap in between posts. Things are getting crazy in the Benson household.

We did the "scheduled" day two activity and guess what?! He loved it! I was sure that he would play with it for 20 seconds and be on his way. When it comes to these activities, I don't show him what to do. I don't model, instruct, or guide. It's 100% open to his interpretation of what he wants to do with it. I think it's important for kids to have complete free play most of the time. They have their whole lives to have to be organized and contained. If he discards it within a minute or two, that's fine. If he just wants to dump it all out and go about his business, that's fine too.

However! He totally played with it and was legit angry when we had to go inside for dinner. We even went back out after dinner and played with it some more. He scooped and dumped. He picked up one bean at a time and placed it into an ice cream scoop. He picked it up and let it fall out of his hand slowly. What he DIDN'T do was dump the whole tray over. Surprising! And he didn't try to eat anything. REALLY surprising. It was awesome! All the while, I say back and observed, taking mental notes and having a little bit of quiet, mom time.

I think I'll just keep a running log on every post showing the activities. It's the only way I'll be able to keep up with myself.

When he wakes up from his nap, we'll do day 3's activities. Until then...

Day 3
Jell-o play

Day 2
Dried bean, lentil, & noodle play.

Day 1
Water play. Red, blue, and green dyed water.

Failure of a blogger

So, yeah...It's pretty apparent how terrible I am at keeping up with this. I'm probably the world's worst when it comes to consistency, which is quite problematic in the world parenthood. In my defense, Chase is freaking exhausting. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this kid doesn't stop. Like literally doesn't stop. And sleep. Don't even get me started on sleep. UGHHHHHHH!

Anywho, I'm not going to complain. Chase is insanely awesome and while he never stops going, it's just an indication that he never stops learning. Watching your kid figure things out is the most amazing thing a parent can watch. Something as simple as putting his shoes on (a newfound enjoyment of his, that obviously still requires my help) to putting a lid back on a pot/pan/bottle/etc. I encourage independence and let him do as many things for himself as possible. He has his own laundry basket in the laundry room to put his clothes in (work in progress), he has a little fork that looks like grown up flatware (thanks Mama B!!), he helps clean his toys up (yet another work in progress), and he really likes drinking out of a cup versus a sippy (he's finally figuring out how to not dump the entire thing all over).

A couple months ago, I started this thing called 30 days of play. I basically come up with activities for Chase to do daily. They don't have to be anything crazy or super intense. Just something small for him to do to break up the monotony of the day. Let's just say that I made it to day three. Sad, right? I want to home school him, but I'm seriously having doubts about home schooling when I can't even do one freaking activity a day. JUST. ONE. THING. It's not that hard! Obviously I'm doing it to help him, but he could really care less most of the time. I'm more or less doing it for myself; to get myself into the habit of planning things. I don't want to necessarily say lesson planning, but for lack of a better description...I'll go with that. A happy medium between unschooling (I really just like that word. I'll talk about my thoughts on that hippy dippy stuff later) and schooling.

Why am I telling you about this? Great question. You don't care, I know, I know. My plan *GOAL* is to blog about our daily activities. The blog update isn't going to happen daily, but the activities will. Hopefully. Probably not. I suck. Let's face it.

I'm going to try. I promise. TRY. I'll also post pics to Instagram for proof. I can not tell a lie.

Today's activity (Day 1):
Red, blue, and green food colored water painting with Q-tips and cotton balls. This actually turned into me dragging his baby tub out and filling it with water. He loves water, so this was a good activity for him. We actually sat outside for a while playing in the water and he flipped his sh...lid when it was time to come in for dinner. Needless to say, we went back out after dinner. Our neighbors probably think we're crazy; I was spraying him down with the water hose - and he was naked. Pshhhh, he had a blast. And that is really all I care about.

Day 2:
I've already set this up for tomorrow, so I can't possibly fail!
I've got a big tray with 4 plastic cups in it. In said cups: black eyed peas, ducky pasta shapes, elbow pasta, and lentils. I feel the need to specify that these are all uncooked. I would think that you would assume that, but you never know. I also have measuring cups, a giant fork/spoon, mini silicone cupcake liners, and a spatula with it. My prediction is that he'll just dump everything out onto the ground and then run into the yard to play in the dirt. I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to be correct, but we'll see.

This will probably be my last blog for another 4 months. Haha! Seriously. I suck.

Crawl before you walk...er...chew before you swallow?

It's been a while since I've written last, but that's doesn't mean nothing has been happening. Chasing (haha!) around a little guy is exhausting and time consuming.

He'll be six months old in two days, on the 11th, and that's crazy exciting. Where has the past six months gone? I'm sure I'll be saying that in 20 years. Saaaaaaad face to the max! I don't want him to grow up past like 5. Can he stay 5? Probably not.

A few days ago we started solids. When I say solids, I mean solids. Per the AAP/WHO/etc., you're supposed to wait until the six month mark to start solids. I started a little early, I know, but he had met all of the milestones to begin solids. He can sit unassisted, has lost majority of his tongue thrust, and has taken an extreme interest in food.  I figured one week wouldn't really make that much of a difference. Also, we decided to go the baby led solids route and I knew that he really wouldn't be eating that much to begin with anyway. I'd say out of the few days that he's had food in front of him, he's probably only consumed a few tablespoons of food. Which is a-ok. That's the theory behind baby led; you give manageable chunks of table food and let them lead the way. There's no drama about how much he is or isn't eating, no separate meals to prepare (or jars to deal with), just go with the flow. Simplest thing EVER. I'd say the hardest thing to get past is not helping all the time. I want to help him put things in his mouth, but you have to just let him work it out and do it.

He eats what Steve and I eat and that is pretty fantastic and uncomplicated. I hate placing a label on it, but essentially, that's what we're doing - Baby Led Solids/Weaning. It's teaching him to chew before he swallows, something that purees don't do. It's teaching him about different consistency and textures of food, something that purees don't do. He's had whole broccoli, not liquefied, mushy broccoli. And he loves it.

I'm not knocking purees one bit, what's appropriate for me may not be appropriate for another. Just our way of doing things. My main goal of taking this approach is to avoid food aversions and simplify things. I don't want him to hate vegetables (some will argue that's inevitable, but damnit, I'm going to try) or be one of those picky eaters. I want him to see Steve and I making healthy choices and to truly share meals with us.

Another positive about this approach is that it has really made Steve and I pay attention to the things that we put in our mouths. We're generally healthy eaters, but if we're giving it to Chase...you get the point.

Now let's see how long I can keep Chase off of grains and sugar...and mama.

I do believe Chase will be crawling within the next couple of weeks. He's trying just as hard as he can and I'm not looking forward to the day of him getting into everything. That will be fun. He's such an exciting little guy and I love every minute - except in the middle of the night when he wakes up 90 times - of it. He's just so cool to look at. I can't even wrap my head around how awesome he is.

As always, excuse any bad grammar. I'm typing as fast as I can with no time to proof read during nap time.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step

It’s been four months since I’ve had my awesome little guy. It’s so weird, strange, crazy, and intense that I have a tiny human being to take care of and that depends on me. Sometimes it’s difficult to wrap my head around that Steve and I made him. Like really made him.

However, I have never in my life felt so out of place in my body. I’m back down to pre-pregnancy weight (+/- a pound or two), but my body is NOT what it used to be. While I can fit into most of my clothes, it’s not pretty…or even ok. I know that I’m teetering back and forth between being depressed about who I am now. It’s so hard to feel depressed when I have such a fantastic little guy to look after. I know that I can’t be the person that I was before a baby and that things will change, but I’m having a difficult time with it. I cry when I wear sweats every day, because it’s the only thing that I’m comfortable in. For the people that truly know me, they know that I DO NOT wear sweats on a regular basis. That is NOT who I am. I’m not saying I’m always Gucci’d out, but I usually look presentable and put together. I go between extreme caring about my looks to not giving two craps; neither of which emotions are particularly healthy.

I gave away a ton of my clothes (even though Steve told me not to), but I know that I will never fit them again. At least not anytime soon and by the time I’m able to fit into those things, I’ll be over them. If that makes any sense – probably only to me.

Part of the problem is that I have this image in my head of how I want to look and feel, but it’s seemingly unattainable. I CAN NOT be the sweat pants mom. I REFUSE. My sister told me the obvious when she visited, “Just because you have a baby, doesn’t mean that you have to let yourself go.” Believe me, I know that. I tell myself that regularly. I just seems that I’m too far past gone.

With fall coming up, I’ve been looking at all of the new, pretty fall stuff. I have extreme guilt about wanting to spend money on myself. Between me not contributing anything financially to our household and wanting to get Chase everything under the sun, it’s just…I don’t know. I just can’t bring myself to shop for myself.

And I literally just right now got an email saying that Steve got me a massage for my birthday (gift card was emailed). Instead of being stoked, I’m seriously about to throw up thinking about how to leave Chase for several hours to get a massage.  Not because I don’t want to leave him (I don’t, but I’m sure I would benefit and he would be just fine without me for a bit), but because I’m his source of food and comfort. He doesn’t take a bottle – not for lack of trying – so Steve would be stuck with a screaming baby until I was able to feed him. I have a headache even thinking about what to do.

I just overall feel really dumb about being depressed and crying and junky. I want to be a pretty, hip, cool mama. Not a dumpy, frumpy, frazzled looking one. I would love a massage. I would love a manicure (I never even got those before Chase, it just seems like I need one now), I would love to buy a few new outfits that fit properly, I would absolutely love to go get a hair cut/color…but I just can’t. I can’t spend the money. I can’t leave Chase for that long. I can’t. As much as I want alone time or time to just sit in a Starbucks with a magazine and coffee or even on the porch with a glass of wine and magazine, I can’t.

And now I’m about to have a melt down. Awesome. I thought writing about it would help. Nope. Kinda made me feel worse. And more dumb. Playing Feist probably isn’t helping either. 

*If this is extremely typo'd, I apologize. I only read over it once. 

Cloth diapers

It’s been a super long time since my last post and since so many of my friends are about to have babies and have been asking about cloth diapers, I thought I would write about my experiences with them. SOOOOOOO, here we go!

Let me start by saying, I love CDing! It’s *usually* no more difficult than ‘sposies and the benefits outweigh the difficulty (IMO anyway).
If you google image, “Cloth Diaper Tree,” you’ll see the different types of diapers. I tried to put the picture in here, but it wasn’t happening.

Here are some things that you NEED:
- A baby...or animal...or husband. Something or someone to CD!
- Diapers
- Inserts
- Somewhere to store dirty diapers
- Detergent for your diapers

That’s pretty much all you NEED. However, depending on what type of diaper you use, you could need more. I’m going to assume that the people I’m writing this for are all using pockets, because that seems to be the most common and one of the easier ones to deal with. If that is your case, then those three (or four, depending on your detergent preference) items are all you truly need.
* The detergent is debatable and I’ve seen some people use their “normal” run of the mill detergent, but I personally prefer the brand linked above.

But! Wait there’s more!
These are things that you WANT:
- Extra inserts for doubling or doublers
- Diaper sprayer
- Wet bag
- Bac-Out

Here’s the deal with the items that you want: before you buy a ton of extra inserts/doublers, wait until you order all of your diapers. BumGenius sent me like three or four extra inserts and if memory serves, so did FuzziBumz. I could have that completely wrong, but I do know that I have a crap ton more inserts than diapers that I didn’t buy extra. Also, you can buy prefolds or flats to use as inserts or even make your own.

I don’t know what people did before diaper sprayers. I mean, yeah, I do...but you get that point. People just dunked the diapers in the toilet or whatever, but I’m a little too squeamish for that. The diaper sprayer is AWESOME for the runny poop until it turns solid and you can just dump it into the toilet. It did take some getting used to and I did spray the walls and myself a few times. It’s also pretty fantastic to spray on your bum (think bidet) after you have the baby. Be careful with that though, no one wants to pressure wash their vagina, especially when a baby just came out of it.

I use Bac-Out on poopy diapers after I have sprayed the major poop off. I have yet to have a stain by using this.

The wet bag is important for use outside of the house. It’s compact and fits into your diaper bag pretty easily even when it has a few dirty diapers in it. The one linked is the exact one that I have and it seems pretty legit thus far. You can also use it at home (if you get the large one) instead of a diaper pail. Which leads me to my next topic....

Things that AREN’T necessary:
- A special diaper pail
- Super expensive diapers

I was asking Steve if there were any other things that we have that aren’t necessary and he said that he thought that the diaper pail that we have is pretty rad and I shouldn’t sway people from it. I just think that we probably could have not spent $35 (I got it on sale from Target.com for $25) and gotten a trash can with a sealing lid. You DO need somewhere to store dirty diapers that has a sealing lid. It doesn’t matter what medium you use, you don’t want to smell one or two day old diapers. The wet bag zips up, so that works too. I would also recommend not going longer than two days between washes, because they do get pretty rank. I don’t even think I have enough diapers to go longer than that anyway.

As far as actual diaper cost goes, you can get some pretty cheap diapers. Before I knew about Sunbaby and ALVA baby, I bought FuzziBunz, BumGenius, Rumparooz, and Blueberry. I like them all and FB is by far the least bulky diapers that I have, but as far as cost efficiency...not so bueno.

I think we’ve spent around $400 total on all of our diapers and accessories. Maybe a little less, maybe a little more. The Charlie’s Soap Powder I use on all of our laundry, so that eliminates buying different detergents and it really does last a long time. I’m actually about to buy the 1000 load bucket of it and I’ll see just how long that lasts.

There are things that when it comes time to use, you have to be careful about, such as diaper rash cream. If you use rash cream with MOST diapers, you void the warranty. I personally don’t think I’ll ever use/need the warranty on any of my diapers (especially the super cheap ones, who cares?), but you have to also be careful about leaks. Some rash creams create a barrier between baby and diaper, which will in turn give you lots of leaks. I use California Baby Rash Cream probably once a day for preventive measures and it works well. I also have Earth Mama Angel Baby bottom balm, but I think I like the Cali Baby better. It’s more of a cream versus a jelly.

One last thing and then I’ll shut my mouth: washing, drying, and sunning your diapers. When I wash my diapers, I run a cold rinse first, followed by a normal cold/cold cycle. I put the detergent directly on the diapers even though I have a front load washer per the instructions on the container.  I run my diapers and inserts through the dryer on low heat and occasionally air dry the diapers themselves and dry the inserts. If a diaper gets a hard to get out stain, you can lay it outside (after it comes out of the wash) to sun it and the stain should come out.
*It seems everyone washes their diapers differently. You just have to figure out what works for you and use that method. I don’t do a cold rinse every time, because sometimes I need diapers ASAP and I don’t have time to wait for a 30 minutes extra rinse. When I do have time, I do a rinse before and an extra wash cycle. It’s really in what you prefer.

And that’s all, folks! I’m sure I probably missed a few things and if anyone reads this that has more expert advice, please feel free to add on. I’ve only been doing this for a few months, so I’m still in the learning phase of things. We also use cloth wipes too, but that’ll have to wait for another day. Chase is waking up from his nap and we gotsta get ready to go to the market and get some coffee!

You know you’re a mama when...

You have spit up all over your chest and don’t even realize it You’re excited about an awesomely poopy diaper You’re thrilled about more than 30 minutes of sleep You can prepare dinner at warp speed and various other activities (using the bathroom?)

Wow. Chase is now just over five weeks old and it has been too fast, too furious. Things have been going well and everyone is doing awesome. As far as I’m concerned anyway, seeing as how I have nothing to compare to.

Chase is just hanging out, doing his baby thing. Steve and I feel like he cries quite a bit at night, but he actually only cries for about an hour (straight, OMG) each night and then things are good. He rarely flips out during the day anymore and just cries when he needs something. Then, he only cries for maybe five or 10 minutes. He’s a cool little guy. I think we’re finally starting to figure this baby thing out and that Chase is settling into his new life. He still takes crap naps (unless he’s attached to myself or Steve) and only sleeps for about 1.5/2 hours at a time at night. I think part of that is because we're still learning to eat with his tongue clipped and all that jazz. However, when he eats good, he does sleep good - three hours straight one night. Wooo!!!

Let’s see, what else. He likes Bob Marley, Method Man, and Matisyahu...hates Coldplay, but who can blame him? He loves white noise, so we sleep with the bathroom fan on all the time. He also likes the vacuum cleaner and that works out for keeping the floors clean. Ha! I just put him in the sling or Ergo and do it up.

He got circumcised last week and that was probably more traumatic than labor. Nothing makes you feel like an awful, horrible mama than hearing your baby scream bloody murder (note: I didn’t even want to get it done, it was all Steve). The doctor told us that we could take the bandages off that night, so we did AND we almost had to call 911. He was bleeding like crazy, screaming, I was crying, Steve was worried; it was just an all around bad time. If we have another kid, I pray for a girl. I don’t know if I could do that again, for something that I don’t agree with.

Co-sleeping and baby wearing are saving my life! I’ve tried putting him in his little co-sleeping crib, but he won’t have anything to do with it. Oh well, we do just fine cuddled up together and we sleep a reasonable amount. Same with baby wearing. It’s so much easier to wear him when we’re out and about than lug that giant infant carrier around. Screw that. People comment on how it must be easier to wear him and I have to agree. I need to buy more carriers, but the world of baby wearing is slightly overwhelming and I’m still navigating it.

He’s been gaining awesome weight and is 10lbs now. He officially smiled this morning and has been smiling a lot today. I’ve tried to take pictures, but I guess he’s camera shy (AKA mama is really slow).

I guess that’s about it for now. He’s waking up from his nap, so I need to handle that.